Thursday, September 3, 2009
I am in a reflective mood right now...wondering how and where in the world my life is going. It seems as if my vision and goals for my future...ones that I created years ago have been realized and I need to get some new ones. My hopes for my life and my career...well...much more needs to happen. My desire to write and be published is ever present. My desire to create new life a the center is ever present. I need a retreat for myself, by myself...to design, to generate new thoughts. and to find a way to get more women into the group. This women's group has been my baby. I thought of it and gave birth to it and now am tending it as it grows into its 11th year. I thought over ten years ago that it was possible to build a nurturing community of women who lived and believed in interconnectedness and care for one another. Many members have moved on and when each one does, my heart hurts. I know that people hear and grow and the direction of their life changes, but my heart still hurts. I take their leaving personally, as if a part of myself is going away. We have had such good times together. We have shared many intimacies. We have entangled ourselves in each others struggles and joys. So for me, to be that intimately involved with another, I think of forever-ness. When someone moves on...I cry. I do not know if the women who have moved through this group even know how they have touched my heart...my soul...over these past ten years. Each week, each retreat, each day of reflection we swam in soul waters, naked with each other. We explored the meaning of life from a depth and breadth that not many people get to in a lifetime, let alone each week. But now I see, everyday life does take over. I thought in my eager naiviete that I kept alive all these years that I/We could somehow maneuver through and out of everydayness and create a world...a world of deeper meaning, to live and dwell in and to have different conversations. I did think it was possible. But yet again, as so many other times in my life, I meet the monster named disillusionment. Yes, bubble bursting time. POP! POP! POP! Secretly though, I do think it is possible to create a meaningful world and life, just I can't seems to find may people who can live there and sustain themselves there with me. Everyday, madness, pulls and tugs...racing, shopping, being disconnected, listening to the news....not wanting to enter the mist. So we stay absorbed in modernity...absorbed in our neurotic patterns....we've come through our struggles and surfaced on the other side, so now we can go back to living life the exact way we did before those struggles captured us. What do we think??? Since the struggle is over we can just continue to operate in the same old way we did before and think we won't run into the struggle again??? How crazy are we???