Or, maybe I have been right on target all my life.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
"Deserted" post 3rd mansion reflections
We have now completed our venture into the 3rd mansion. "Surrender!" I sense that hearts may be becoming overwhelmed with the content of the journey. It tain't easy contemplating the questions asked; it tain't easy doing the 'Soul Work'. "Surrender!" She's Calling You!!!
It is an interesting mix of people and movement that occurs. I can feel when issues surface.I intuitively know 'when' and in some cases 'what' will surface. However, I still believe that after all the work we have done together...it is still difficult to disclose...still difficult to openly share. How is it that we have become so scared of ourselves?
We still allow ourselves to get captured...so easily. Those old triggers can still be pulled and "POW" we're shot, just like before, in our hearts, in our guts, in our head...whirling, twirling, spinning, dying...ouch!
Too much complacency I betcha. We just make it over one hurdle and think our journey is over and we can relax. How silly of us to think that. On to the next great learning.
They all still trust me. Go figure that! They still trust my guidance into the light or darkness...even when I still question it myself. Well, who else but me would question it...silly. Guess that's all part of the journey. Yet, one thing for sure they can trust...is that I will continue to question; I will continue on the journey; I will continue the quest for myself and for them and for anyone else who wants to join. I will not go gently into that dark night.
I know that I am to lead; that I am a pioneer; a mystic; a visionary...or if I use everyday language...I am the fool who is holding the flashlight venturing into the forest...or should I say "Desert" since we are journeying with Carolyn these days.
How is it that many just live in the everyday-ness of life? I have never been able to do that...living in the 'surface structure' (Dr. Maes would love that I am still wandering, still searching) at such a distance from our inner lives, our inner knowing.
Social appropriateness... daily business...regardless of the profession or life project I believe still takes our minds, hearts and souls without our realizing, like a thief in the daylight. How about that we're stealing in broad daylight these days...the 21st century...no shame!
AND...we pass this madness onto our children...move faster, perform more,out do the other...competition on a far grander scale. Get an A, be the best, make me proud, and beat out the others...not too much pressure.
It's no wonder, self esteem wains; defeat abounds; and skin lesions ooze the puss of festering souls...as we continue to 'not leave the children behind'.
The 'zeit geist' of the corporate American model infiltrates our thinking, our living and we think it's great.Great...all this new technology! Great the opportunities!Great that we can travel faster than a speeding bullet; be more powerful than a locomotive; and be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I SCREEEAAAMMMM!!!! FOR WHAT? SO WHAT! FOR WHOM?
What spell have we been captured by? It looks and feels great, Right? So why not get plugged into the Matrix---everyone is pleasant, pretty, blue skies, and we will just drug and label all those who can't...don't... or... won't get with the program. Or better yet we will just marginalize them...that's it...set them a-sail on the Ship of Fools..."Afringement" --- I just invented a new word.
Maybe it's just where I am.
Maybe it's just my craziness.
Maybe it's just my deranged ramblings.
Maybe I'm just getting old and reminiscing about times long since past.
May be I'm starting to channel my grandfather.
Or, maybe I have been right on target all my life.
As crazy and afflicted as I have felt over my years, I know deep down inside that life is more than Hollywood celebrity, movies or TV; more than corporate climbing and bailouts; more than braining washing the next generation into the nightmare.
I hear the crying; I hear the affliction; I watch the torture; I see the souls in anguish; I watch the spinning and frantic grabbing...especially those covered in sparklings who say, "I'm fine."
Then, I know for sure...they are clueless...haven't been with their "I" for a long time; or maybe, they have been pulling the "I'm Fine" cord for so long, it's just stuck, like a Fisher Price See-n-Say...a cow says, "Mooo...Mooo...Mooo..."
How long we have become covered with distractions. How much have we moved away from holding a certain energy patterns. Hiding in other focus...food...phones... distractions...simple outside worries...instead of trusting ourselves and the process.
I have been on this search for so many years you think I would have found...'it'... by now.
Just and aside: I have found some of 'it'.
Yet, I still sense people around me look at me and wonder, " What's wrong with her?" I can see it in their eyes while I'm looking back at them wondering how they go through life without the pull I feel.
I feel it deep inside like what Bob Marley and Eric Clapton feel when they play their guitar solos...deep there..." Oh love....go on home"....like those jazz notes...played on the piano that I can't yet play....maybe that's it...I need to learn to play the piano...another avenue to manifest what lives in me...more than mere words can say...."Oh love"......
So......I give up. I am not a novelist. Life doesn't occur to me that way. I am a living metaphor.
I surrender.....move over Beethoven.....here I come!